What Career Will Your Child Have After The Inevitable Fall of Civilization??

You know your child’s personality well enough– they might be outgoing, introverted, athletic, talkative, scheming, determined, artistic, kind.  You have your eye on what careers you think might interest them.  But what will happen if those careers cease to exist and society reverts into a confusing, Hunger Games-style oligarchy?  Like parenting didn’t have enough headaches, right??  Ugh!

Below are ten of the hottest job opportunities to check out if humanity is decimated by plague, natural disasters, or war and we wind up in a Cormac McCarthy-esque dystopia.  Which job of the future will be perfect for your child??  Read on to find out!

Photo Credit: GotCredit.com
Photo Credit: GotCredit.com

 

 What Job of the Future is Perfect For Your Child?

 

1. Has your child always been creatively inclined and great at remembering details everyone else seemed to forget?  Were they headed toward a career in the arts back before the entire world fell to pieces through either violence or political unrest or a magnetic pulse that wiped out the electrical grid?  Are they an “old soul?” Have they always loved that Lois Lowry book The Giver?

Photo Credit: Anne Worner
Photo Credit: Anne Worner

Your child is a:

 Wise Old Storyteller!

Becoming a Wise Old Storyteller is a fantastic way for your offspring to express themselves artistically while also providing a useful service to the new children born into their makeshift warrior tent city!  Hope they enjoy sitting peaceably in a rocking chair and reminiscing about the olden days, since that’s now 90% of their job description.  A new generation of young ones will listen, enrapt, as your child spins tales about the housing bubble crash or the wild, unpredictable election of 2016.

 

2. Have an introverted child looking for a methodic, solitary profession?  A kid who dislikes social interaction but enjoys feeling useful and being wholly immersed in their work?  An intelligent, reliable, loner?

Photo Credit: Zach Baranowski
Photo Credit: Zach Baranowski

Your child is a:

Rudimentary Farmer!

You may have been disappointed that your daughter’s camp sent her to some local farm to look at the animals when you were hoping she’d enroll in a forward-thinking coding class, but embrace it!  Coding may have been a fun idea in 2016, but have her take copious notes on the art of crop rotation and animal husbandry because, as her coding teacher might have said (had he survived 2031’s unfortunate monsoon season)

“<a href=”http://www.weresoscrewed.org”>farming is crucial because depending on the number of humans in existence we may be unable to sustain a hunter gatherer lifestyle.</a>

 

3. Have a kid who’s physically strong and determined?  A natural athlete?  A tireless, coordinated go-getter who’s got his or her eye on an athletic scholarship?  (Which don’t exist anymore now that civilization has divided into vengeful factions which freely kill each other over minor disagreements.) Do you have a kid who loses his or her mind if they’re not allowed to engage in physical activity?

Photo Credit: Daniel Oides
Photo Credit: Daniel Oides

Your child is a:

Bicycle rider who powers the small, makeshift electrical grid!

While those of us who remember electricity are still around, someone able to power even a mediocre electrical grid with their thigh muscles will always be in high demand!  This is Samantha who powers the Keurig!  Here is Brian who occasionally gets the Kindle to work!  It goes without saying that this is a job with a great deal of honor.

 

4. Has your child always been a born leader?  Do you have a no-fear, rough-and-tumble kid who isn’t afraid of conflict or making decisions?  Brave, quick-thinking, intelligent and loyal?  Where your child goes, do other children confidently follow?

Photo Credit: Joshua
Photo Credit: Joshua

Congrats- you’ve raised a:

Future leader of the rebel army!

Your child inspires trust, devotion and can spur people to action– in the ongoing battle for natural resources, your child will proudly stand front and center, bringing honor and glory to their clan.  And enjoy the bragging rights– offhandedly announcing that your child is the leader of the rebel army is totally the smug new “My son/daughter is a doctor/lawyer/rabbi.”  The (surviving) ladies at bridge group are going to be SO impressed and jealous except for Myrtle, whose daughter is the leader of the opposing army, but seriously, has anyone ever liked Myrtle?  Who even invited her to join this bridge group—it was Cynthia, wasn’t it?  UGH, CYNTHIA.

 

5. Have one of those kids who is constantly explaining everything to everyone?  Loves history and romanticizes “the olden days?”  Loves re-enactments and historical costumes?  Good with a crowd?

Photo Credit: Matt Chan
Photo Credit: Matt Chan

Your child is perfectly suited to the job:

Museum Curator of the Past!

Get that kid a navy blue blazer (or make one out of pieces of salvaged clothing) and get them ready to calmly explain to future generations terms like “Search Engine” or “Snapchat.”

Sample text from museum tour: “This device here is a cell phone and before 90% of all life on earth was wiped out, we used to use them to communicate with other people.  The screens used to light up and you could ask it questions like, “Hey Siri, are there any edible plants in this area?” or “How close is the leader of the rebel army?” except that in earlier times people didn’t care about those things and asked questions like, “justin timberlake height?” or “what does ‘bae’ mean?” or searched for photos of cats or naked people—all actions that would be meaningless today since Justin Timberlake perished in the famine of 2044 and cats and naked people, as you well know, freely roam the streets.”

 

6. Have a child who’s one of those strong but silent types?  A fascination with fine craftsmanship?  Incredibly focused on the task at hand with superb attention to detail?  Practical-minded but with a deep-down artistic heart?

Photo Credit: Travis
Photo Credit: Travis

Looks like you’re raising a little:

 Flint knapper!

If you’ve got a daughter who’s really into this, congratulations, she’ll have a solid profession and comfortable place in her new society.  If you’ve got a flint-knapping son…get ready to fend off the ladies.  You wouldn’t think this would be that hot of a profession but I’m pretty sure this was what Jondalar did in those Clan of the Cave Bear books and did anyone else read those books, because I’m almost positive he had sex like every three pages?  Not that I’d remember any of that, since obviously as a sheltered and impressionable pre-teen I read those books solely to learn how to knap flint and build shelters out of mammoth bones and I barely even noticed the constant gratuitous sex scenes but I’m almost (ahem) certain the topic comes up a few times.

 

7. Has your kiddo always had a knack for art—constantly drawing or painting on every imaginable surface, particularly when they’re supposed to be doing other things?  Is every piece of paper in your house filled with sketches and drawings?  Have they ignored adults telling them “an art degree is impractical” because their soul knows that this is what they’re supposed to be doing?

Photo Credit: Rogerio Silva
Photo Credit: Rogerio Silva

Congrats, you’ve got a:

Portrait artist!

While someone coming of age two decades earlier might have struggled for work, your budding illustrator lives in a dark new world in which everyone is still obsessed with posting images of themselves but photography as we know it no longer exists!  Hope they honed those drawing skills while art supplies were still plentiful!  How well can they capture an expression of “duckface” using pieces of charcoal on a cave wall?  Future generations will remember people as your child drew them, so make sure any unflattering drawings of you yourself “accidentally” get smeared or ruined by unexplained water damage.

 

8. Does your kid live to help you bake—excitedly kneading dough while other kids are off playing capture the flag or punching each other?  Does he enthusiastically watch episodes of How It’s Made?  Has he always been culinarily adventurous and simultaneously good at chemistry?

Photo Credit: NukelarBurrito
Photo Credit: NukelarBurrito

Get ready!  Your kid is:

The only hope society has for remembering how the hell we used to make bread from wheat!

Tell him to hold onto those kneading skills and memorize that AllRecipes.com article about how to make your own sourdough starter because no offense to anyone totally in love with the Paleo diet, but dear god, please somebody remember how to make bread from wheat.  If anyone can save us, it’s your bakery-intuitive child.  Thanks in advance from all of us who enjoy complex carbohydrates.

 

9.  Is your child a nurturer?  A natural diagnostician?  A born helper who both wants to ease the pain of others and harbors a fascination for inner workings of the human body?

Photo Credit: Joan
Photo Credit: Joan

Seems like you’ve got a:

Tribal healer (a.k.a. “Person who remembers how some medicines work!)

In today’s society she would have been on the fast track to med school but after “the incident” that left humanity in a crippled, dystopian wasteland, she can now best use her talents as a revered local medicine woman! Instead of studying dry textbooks, she’ll be amassing an encyclopedic knowledge of local plants and their healing properties.  Rather than applying to Johns Hopkins early admission she’ll be learning from that neighbor whose “alternative medicines” you used to ridicule–sure, that lady had four cats, nine dream catchers and always smelled like ginger, but (spoiler alert) she’s more or less the surgeon general now that society has run out of Claritin!

 

10. Is your child a 12 year-old who’s somehow accumulated 90K followers on Twitter or Instagram?  A total chatter box?  Snappy dresser?  Always knows the latest news before it’s official and can’t wait to let everyone else know?

Photo Credit: Gerry Balding
Photo Credit: Gerry Balding

Your child is a:

 Town Crier (a.k.a. “Social Media Person of the Future!”)

If your kid is that good at garnering attention online, they’ll be amazing at standing in the village square, ringing a bell and yelling, “Here Ye, Here Ye!  It’s 5 o’clock and all’s well!  We’ve set up a water purification plant and a rudimentary waste-disposal system!  We have amassed enough food to carry us through the winter!  Our warriors have defeated a rival band from South Jersey and blessed be the future of our tribe, as only this morning Kim Kardashian has borne us yet another child.”

 

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If you enjoyed this post, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter.  I try to post things that are funny or at least not horrifically gross and offensive.

My book, Welcome to the Club is available for pre-order at Barnes and Noble, Amazon or, if you’re a fan of supporting small businesses, at Indiebound or Word Books, this bookstore down the street from me that has great coffee and is always really nice to my dog.  That’s about five links to where you can pre-order the book and given how good I am with technology, I will bet you a Harriet Tubman 20 dollar bill that only one of them will work.

cover image

Also, if you love books about dystopias please read Station Eleven, which you can buy literally everywhere and is fantastic.  It is much better than my book.  Also, TOTALLY different.  My book is good too. I’m not shitting on my book.  But it’s like apples and oranges and the apples are a fantastic novel that was a finalist for the national book award and the oranges are a book I wrote about how “having a kid is hard,” which was reeeeally breaking some new ground.

Station Eleven

 

8 CommentsComment

  1. hahaha this is great!

  2. Avatar

    Natasha

    I never finished the series when Jondalar and Ayla finally meet his people. Do they end up related??? So much of the sex in there for young minds 😂😂😂
    Brilliant post, I’ve def got a bicycle-er on my hands

    • Avatar

      theuglyvolvo

      the last book took a million years to come out so no, I have no idea how it ends either

  3. OMG, hilarious! My favorite was the museum curator and totally made me think of Station Eleven which was awesome. Good luck with your book. Can’t wait to check it out. You are brilliant.

    • Avatar

      theuglyvolvo

      I’ve already recommended Station Eleven to about a billion people. So great. And thanks! Excited for my book also– will be an interesting fall!

  4. Loved the note at the end: my book club read Station Eleven a couple months ago and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t make it through, but you might also enjoy Dog Star; the author of Station Eleven credits it for the knowledge that gas expires. Pre-ordered your book and looking forward to it!

  5. I think it’s so interesting how many of these “post-apocalyptic-world careers” are occupations right now…. just not in countries whose citizenry enjoy the wealth, privilege, education, and freedom of choice available to those who happen to be born in ‘developed’ countries rather than the poverty-stricken and war-ravaged.

  6. Your best yet! Sitting at my desk (at Johns Hopkins, BTW), suppressing guffaws only partially successfully.

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