We’ve all found ourselves on the wrong end of a discussion about babies. Someone telling us we’re raising ours wrong. Someone telling us we should have one when we don’t want one. Sometimes these people are total strangers and sometimes they’re our mother. Regardless, no one should be losing sleep over the advice of the extremely opinionated woman behind you in line at the pizza place. Next time someone starts cornering you about whatever you’re doing wrong, have them help you fill out one of these “Unwanted Parental Judgement Mad Libs.” Because nothing brings people together like having kids and brainstorming adjectives to describe them.
Mad Lib #1: “Hey, So What Type of Birth Did You Have?”
Woman 1: Oh, you’re pregnant! Congratulations! Do you know how you want to give birth yet?
Woman 2: “Yes! We’re having a (type of birth). That’s what my friend had and she said it was (adjective)!”
Woman 1: “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I read (book title) and the author said that (same type of birth) is basically the worst thing you can possibly do. It’s (adjective). He said that kids whose mothers choose (same type of birth) will be (negative adjective) and (negative adjective) and (negative adjective) and will probably grow up to become (horrible profession, plural).
Woman 2: “Are you sure? Because at least (a number) people said that it was the healthiest, best thing for both the (noun) and the (noun).”
Woman 1: “No. I’m pretty sure all those people are (word that means ‘idiots’).”
Woman 2: “Even my doctor? He was top of his class at (name of a school) and has (verb, past tense) in the community for (number) years! His patients call him the (adjective)(noun) of the medical field!
Woman 1: “Sorry– your doctor has the I.Q. of a (inanimate object or animal with limited intelligence). If you’re seriously considering (same type of birth) you are a (negative adjective) mother and your child will suffer from a series of (adjective) problems throughout his or her life.
Woman 2: I had no idea. I feel (name of an emotion) about this.
Woman 1: I just figured I’d let you know. I had a (different type of birth) and it made all the difference. They say that babies born through (different type of birth) are more likely to be good (noun, plural) and to get into the (adjective) (nouns). But no judgement, right! Good luck on the birth of your first (noun)!
Mad Lib #2: Oh, you should totally have a baby!
Woman Without Baby: Oh, what a cute baby! How old is he?
New Mother: Thank you! He’s (a number) months. Do you have any (noun, plural) of your own at home?
Woman Without Baby: Oh no, I’m not sure I want to have (noun, plural).
New Mother: Oh, you should totally have one. They’re so (adjective). Before I had a (noun) my life was sort of (negative adjective). I thought the (noun) revolved around me. But having one puts everything in perspective. You can’t really understand what it’s like to have (noun, plural) until you have (a number) of your own.
Woman Without Baby: Ok, well I may just not ever understand it then.
New Mother: You (verb) that now, but see how you feel in a few (measure of time, plural).
Woman Without Baby: I’ll probably feel the same way. They seem like a lot of (expletive/adjective) work. My life is complicated enough without (verb ending in “ing”) a (noun) out of my (body part).
New Mother: Yes, but life without (noun, plural) is empty and meaningless.
Woman Without Baby: Well, it was nice running into you. I’m going to go enjoy my (adjective), meaningless life at a bar sipping (type of drink) while you shop for (a boring thing that kids need), break up tantrums, and pull two day-old gum out of your kid’s (body part). Have a nice afternoon!
Mad Lib #3: You’re doing what?
New Mother 1: So I couldn’t take breastfeeding anymore. I finally caved and started giving the baby (any liquid other than breastmilk).
New Mother 2: I hope you’re kidding. (Aforementioned liquid) is nowhere near as good as breastfeeding because breast milk aids in the baby’s (body part) development. It helps immunize the baby against (name of disease) and (name of disease). It increases the baby’s I.Q. and lowers its risk of (verb ending in “ing”). All (adjective) mothers breastfeed.
New Mother 1: But it was so (negative adjective)! And (negative adjective). It’s not that I didn’t try—I was able to keep it up for two months, but I hated having to (verb) my breasts every few hours. They were so (adjective), they always felt like (noun, plural).
New Mother 2: I know…it is (negative adjective). Actually, I had a really hard time (verb ending in “ing”). But I felt like I had to do it or (a specific group of people) would look down on me. And there’s just so much pressure. And of course you’re terrified your kid will turn out (adjective) if you don’t do it.
New Mother 1: I totally hear you, New Mother 2. Thank you for (verb ending in “ing”) my decision and know that I respect you and think that you are a wonderful mother who, like me, is doing the best she can.
Crazy Lactation Consultant*: What are the two of you talking about? Did someone say they were giving a baby (aforementioned liquid)? Are you completely (adjective)? You’re an (adjective) parent and your kid is going to wind up being a (noun). I hope you (verb) in (noun) you worthless piece of (noun).
*Please know that the character portrayed here is specifically described as a “crazy lactation consultant.” That is not to imply that all lactation consultants are crazy. I have met a quite few who were lovely, reasonable human beings. I tip my hat to them. That being said, I have also met a few who would not have been out of place in a mental institution.