Congratulations! Today is your day! You’re off to great websites! You’re off and away! You’ve got brains in your head. You’ve got eyes in your face. You’ll decide what you want and what orders to place! You’re on your own and the limit’s the sky! And YOU are the one who’ll decide what you’ll buy.
Would you? Could you? For 149.99?? For passed hors d’oeuvres? For serving wine?
Serves reluctant diners at distances up to 80 feet.
And if your goal is to slim down and increase muscle tone, will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed. 98 and 3/4 a percent guaranteed!
Know anyone whose opinions differ from your own? Keep them at bay with this extremely powerful, lightweight gun that can be easily transported on the back of the family pet. Cannon comes complete with 4 gallon drum of Poo-a-doo powder and ants’ eggs and bees’ legs and dried, fried clam chowder.
-One size fits all
-Softer than silk
-Has the sweet smell of fresh butterfly milk
If you’re feeling left out of those frankfurter roasts (or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts), what better way to step up your style game than with green belly stars, identical to the ones worn by Selena Gomez and Kylie Jenner.
We’ve all said it. “I’d love to use my unicycle as my primary mode of transport but I have no way to carry the small witches’ cauldron I use for my MacBeth re-enactments. Fret no more. A customer favorite, our miniature unicycle comes complete with cauldron hook and attachable easy chair. The perfect holiday gift for the technophile who wants to be totally obsessed with something and then get bored with it after a month.
Forget your Androids and iPhones– unlike the old, bulkier models, the 2016 Whisper-Ma is lightweight and flexible. Clarifying attachments minimize the sound of callers having smallish bees up their noses. Use it to tell a long story about environmental destruction to a little boy or just whisper an Adele-style “Hello,” into the taped-up receiver.
Relieve the household drudgery of opening cans. This season, take your kitchen up a notch. A personal Zans is not only the most effective way to quickly and easily open many cans, it’s become a daring and assertive lifestyle statement.
(Featured on: Iron Chef, Masterchef, Masterchef Junior, Kitchen Nightmares, Cupcake Wars and will be featured in season 2 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.)
Dog-mount cannon wasn’t getting your point across? Tell your enemies you mean business with the rock-flinging Triple Sling Jigger while simultaneously hoping that they haven’t purchased the corresponding Jigger Rock Snatchem (which will fling ’em right back just as quick as they catch ’em). Make long, verbal arguments a thing of the past! With seamless, simultaneous rock-throwing technology, this item is the perfect answer to any interpersonal problem. Made of upcycled pipe, rubberbands and abandoned birdcages.
Durable and easy-to-use. Also available is the Super Axe Hacker XP which cuts down five Truffula trees in one smacker, for those of you whose destruction knows no bounds.
All the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, “Boo hoo” when they see that we’ve sold out of this amazing, must-have item that would totally make your life a thousand times better if you would just buy it.
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Happy holidays. If you enjoyed this piece and want to be notified when new posts go up, sign up HERE. If you want to follow me on Facebook or Twitter, obviously you can do either of those things as well. Hope thanksgiving was productive and not too much of an emotional disaster.