Toddler Course Catalog: Spring 2015

Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester.  If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register.

course catalog the ugly volvo

Pants and How Not to Wear Them

This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms and/or cold weather) and gives you helpful tips on how to fight back.  Bicycle kicks not working?  Mediocre results with your tried and true method of shrieking, “NO PANTS!  NO PANTS! STOP, STOP, STOP IT!”?  Let our team of experts (i.e. 4-year-olds) take you through the steps of “adamant refusal.”  (Wednesdays and Fridays, 6PM-9PM)


Pulling Things off Shelves with Abandon

This class will once again be held in the campus library, much to the dismay of the librarians and custodial staff. (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7PM-9PM)


Intro to Toddlerhood

New to toddlerhood?  This class allows you to get a firm grasp on the basics before pursuing a specialized course of study.  Guest speakers cover such perennial topics as: Opening cabinets full of dangerous cleaning solvents; Sneezing in the mouths of loved ones; and Goldfish Crackers: The art of competitive eating.  Master the art of smiling innocently while crushing avocado into the dog’s fur.  (Mondays and Wednesdays 12PM-4PM)


Annoying Shows and How to Constantly Ask For Them

Missing out on Calliou?  Craving a nine-hour loop of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?  Start watching what you want to watch when you want to watch it!  Back by popular demand, this course teaches someone with a vocabulary of under 70 words how to bully a full-grown adult into submission.  (One Week Intensive: Monday-Friday 1PM to 8PM)


Where to Leave Legos So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark

Hoping to cripple the two adults who’ve put their lives on hold so that you can have a meaningful childhood?  This class will give you hints on where to play (ideally right where people are trying to walk) and tips on how to casually leave toys where they’ll impale themselves in the feet of people groggily walking to the bathroom.  Legos not provided.  (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 7PM-9PM)

(Prerequisite Class:  “Where to Leave Small Matchbox Cars So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark)


Introduction to Not Sharing

Back by popular demand, spots in this class are incredibly limited and fill up quickly.  Sign up now and the space is yours and if you don’t sign up now, too bad, someone else got to the spot first and no matter how much you cry or yell that you want a spot in this class you can’t have one.

No.  We’re not giving you a spot.  This is our class, you can go take a different class. (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12PM-3PM)


Walking Slowly

Class begins at 4PM and is held in a building 200 feet from campus down a road littered with interestingly-shaped sticks and little pieces of paper.  Anyone arriving on time receives a failing grade. (Wednesdays and Fridays, 4PM-6PM)


Climbing Out Of Your Crib

Still crib bound?  This activity-intense class is perfect for the toddler who’s tired of looking at her dangling mobile and would much rather be walking around her room opening Vaseline jars or sticking ball point pens into electrical sockets.  (This could be you!)  Our instructors train you in traditional crib-departure techniques (i.e. standing on a bunch of your stuffed animals until you can get your leg over the rail) as well as answering questions such as “Does it hurt to land on a hardwood floor?” “Could I bounce out of the crib using my mattress as a trampoline?” and the perennial, “Can the mobile above my crib hold my weight and theoretically would I be able to swing out of the crib like Tarzan?”  (Wednesdays 8PM-4AM)


Intro to Food Refusals

Master the art of turning down perfectly delicious, high-quality food because “it’s touching other food on the plate” and/or “there are little green things in it.”  Let our professionally-trained in-house chefs prepare a five-course meal for you to push away, hurl on the floor, or smoosh into your hair while screaming.  (Mondays and Thursdays, 6PM-9PM)


Intermediate Art

The fact that you don’t fully understand language doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say.  This time-tested class is considered by many to be the perfect venue for encouraging self-expression using nothing but glue, permanent markers and your parents’ upholstered furniture.  (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12PM-3PM)


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35 CommentsComment

  1. My husband and I feel that Standing in Doorways should be either a prereq or a follow-up course to Walking Slowly. Both of our daughters practiced (and still practice) this skill diligently. Also, perhaps there should be a parent class on How to Keep from Pushing Your Small Child Through Doorways When They Are Inexplicably Just STANDING THERE.

    As always, you made us both laugh out loud!

  2. Love your blog. As a relatively new first time dad, I can TOTALLY empathize.

    And the best is yet to come…

  3. Brilliant as always! Sharing on my blog Facebook page STAT.

  4. What about an advanced toddler/preschooler art & engineering course : Exploring the kitchen floor as a giant canvas? Session 1: food as an art medium. Session 2: reinventing the cityscape in pots, pans, lids, and contents of the broom closet including Pine Sol landscaping. Session 3: artistic movement including suds-skating to rhythms of dishwasher) full disclosure: sponsored by Palmolive).

  5. I signed up for emails after seeing the brilliant post on Goodnight Moon on a friend’s FB. You have confirmed that I made the right decision.

    • The Goodnight Moon post brought me here as well – this blog is amazing! My son is just turning 20 months and he would absolutely LOVE these courses. He can sneeze into the mouth of a loved one like a boss!

  6. Weekend Wake up
    In this class we train on how to detect that the next morning is a weekend and to wake up at 5am. Most days you we’ll want to be difficult to wake up, but some days when your parents do not have to get up you’ll want to get up early.
    Meets Saturday’s, Sunday’s and select holidays, at 5, don’t be late!
    Prerequisite it’s the climbing out of the crib class.

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    Linda Hagedorn

    Love your blog. Am a grandma of 7 and know my daughter’s will love your site.

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    paul kalman

    my 21 month old grandson just did a wonderful variation of the climbing out of my crib course. His grandmother is an avid quilter. Why mess with mere stuffed toys when you can use a whole pile of beautiful hand made quilts as your step ladder. try it as your alternative

  9. My children are now in their 40’s and I still remember all the times I stepped on those wonderful small sharp toys or game pieces. My grand daughter mastered climbing out of her crib by falling on the hardwood floor and fracturing her collarbone. The toddler bed went up that night along with a bar tucked under the mattress so she wouldn’t fall out of the bed. Oh! the joys of parenthood. Loved The Ugly Volvo. It brought back many happy and some not so happy memories.

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    Betsy Brown Braun

    So glad that I, a child development and behavior specialist, have found you. You will bring much needed humor to all my exhausted, cranky, sleep deprived clients!

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