The 8 Items Every New Parent Needs

The Buy Buy Baby on 7th Avenue in Manhattan is a great place to go if you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack.    There are thousands of items lining the shelves and yet, as a new parent, it’s hard to tell what you’re actually going to need.  You’re trying to get ready to bring home a newborn baby, but you’ve never had one of these before, and it’s hard to figure out what’s going to come in handy and what’s going to sit in the closet gathering dust and being eaten by mice.

To keep you from getting totally overwhelmed by the whole experience, I’ve compiled a list that cuts the unneeded fat from modern baby registries.  What’s the stuff you’re going to really want?  And really use?  Look no further.  Here’s a list of the top eight items every parent should own to make the first few months of parenthood as smooth as humanly possible.

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The Top 8 Items No New Parent Should Be Without

buy buy baby

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1. Onesies That Look Like They Already Have Vomit On Them

vomit onesie

Size Shown: 0-3 Months

Despite not putting any on your registry, the number of onesies you receive at your baby shower will be only slightly lower than the number of atoms in the known universe.  That being said– what’s the point of adorable printed onesies that your child wears for 20 minutes before ruining them by vomiting down his own chest?   The vomit-print onesie is designed with whimsical milk spit-up splatters allowing your guests to play the eternally-fun game, “Which are the real stains!?

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2.  A Device That Electrocutes You When You Tell Someone How “Wonderful” Having a Baby Is.

 Please look at these photos of how happy we are.  Please.

Please look at these photos of how happy we are. Please.

It’s so magical,” you tell people.  “He’s such a wonderful baby and I was excited to have a natural childbirth, and I’m just so blessed to be able to–”  ZAP.   “Hahahahaha, what was I saying?  The other day it took me three hours to leave the apartment to buy a peach.”

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3. An Air Freshener That Makes Everything Smell Like Expired Breast Milk/Formula

 Your life is just going to smell like this for a while.

The term air “freshener” may be a bit of a stretch.

Sometimes when my son was really young I would sniff the air and think, “Hey, did I leave an empty yogurt container lying in the sun for the past five weeks, or is that my sofa?”  Enter the air-freshener that makes everything you own smell like an abandoned dairy farm since, spoiler alert, that’s what it’s going to smell like anyway.

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4.  Maternity Pants With Built-In Urine Stains

 Cough, laugh and sneeze to your heart's content.  As far as everyone else is concerned, you've already peed your pants.

Cough, laugh and sneeze to your heart’s content.  As far as everyone around you is concerned, you’ve already peed your pants.

Woman You Just Met:  “Oh, I think you…(gestures to your pants/indicates that you’ve wet yourself.)”

You:  “No, they came like that!”

Woman You Just Met:  “Those are SO CUTE.”

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5.  Conversation Cards For When You’re Trying to Interact With People Who Do Not Have Children

 You'll be the coolest, most interesting person at the party!  If your clothing didn't smell so much like breast milk/formula, no one would even realize you have a baby!

You’ll be so cool and interesting, people might not even realize you have a baby.

Forgotten how to talk about anything other than the baby?  Don’t beat yourself up!  This pack of 52 cards will help you interact with your interesting, child-free friends who can still make conversation about the real, actual world!

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6.  A Vacuum Cleaner That You Can Leave Running

 Having owned one previously, I was so excited to finally have a use for it.

Having owned one previously, I was so excited to finally have a use for it.

With all of the toys and music boxes and swings the stores encourage people to purchase, nothing quiets a crying baby like leaving the vacuum cleaner running.  Actually vacuuming anything is optional, as you will probably not have the energy.  Also, there are YouTube videos of people running vacuum cleaners for up to 12 hours at a time.  See also: Hair dryers.

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7.  A Changing Table That Self-Sanitizes Like One of Those French Public Toilets

 No idea what one of these would look like since the technology companies have "been busy with other things."

No idea what one of these would look like since the technology companies have “been busy designing other things.”

I just don’t understand why these aren’t already being sold in every baby catalog on the planet, but if Google would take a few hours off from designing Google doodles celebrating the 145 anniversary of the toothpick they could absolutely get the patent for this thing.

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8.  A Mask of Someone Holding it All Together

holding it together

Everything is going GREAT.

Don’t want to walk through the grocery store sobbing for the third time this week?  No worries!  Head out the door wearing one of these and no one will ever know the difference.

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33 CommentsComment

  1. […] 8 items no new parent should be without […]

  2. Use receiving blankets on top of the changing table and keep one of those recyclable shopping bags on the side to throw them in when they get dirty. Oxy clean, the laundry stain spray in the blue bottle, gets out EVERYTHING! save plastic shopping bags and wrap poopy diapers in them and you don’t need a diaper genie. Look up baby white noise on your tablet or computer on youtube, plug in speakers, and get 10 hours of uninterrupted vacuum or hair dryer noise for the baby, works great. when baby goes down for the night, go through diaper bag and throw out anything yucky or put in laundry, and restock with stuff for baby: diapers, wipes, age appropriate snacks, a change of clothes, small toys, pacifier, small sealed formula and bottles, hand sanitizer, and assorted sizes of ziplock baggies (trust me) AND stuff for you like tinted lip balm, some quick mom snacks, bottles of water, lotion, advil, a hairbrush. Keep your stuff on one side and baby’s on another. I raised my son as a single mom while working about 40 hours a week from home with a lot of social engagements, and this was one thing that SAVED me. Also good? Join a gym with a daycare, I would sometimes spend hours on the elliptical machine reading magazines and watching tv just to zone out and get some me time, plus, get back in shape.

  3. I love this! As someone who has had panic attacks while shopping for baby gear, I can totally relate!! My Dec. 13th post on top gifts for moms and dads of toddlers is along a similar vein. 🙂

  4. regarding breastfeeding baby at night in the bed: not zeppelin and pancake, more like a lead balloon and ping pong ball.

  5. Reblogged this on stokey dad and commented:
    Incredibly accurate! Eight must haves for any new-parent.

  6. Can #1 come with a matching blouse for mum?

    @Bluesabriel- the survival of the human species depends on the rose-tinting lens of selective amnesia. That’s why the first 3 months are a blur- there was waaayy more pain than pleasure, hence when the pain was forgotten there’s not much left to remember!

  7. Can #1 come with a matching blouse for mum?

    @Bluesabriel I reckon the continuing survival of the human species depends on a certain level of amnesia the early months of parenthood.

  8. Gold! I found your blog thanks to your 10 Month olds Xmas list post that went viral… and now I’m staying!

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