Parenting Olympics

For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals:

Event 1:

olympics weightlifting

To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses:




Exhausted Older Child

Young Child + Stroller, and

Young Child + Uncomfortable-to-Carry and Bizarrely-Heavy Car Seat/Carrier

*               *             *

Event 2:

olympics emotional hurdles

A feat of less-obvious athleticism, some people train for YEARS to master this event.  Gold medal goes to anyone who manages not to lie awake night after night second-guessing all their decisions or, if that proves too difficult, anyone who doesn’t break down crying for no particular reason on a Tuesday.

*               *               *

Event 3:

olympics slalom

Medals are awarded for multiple categories, including “fastest wiping,” “best use of snot-sucking apparatus,” and “fastest acceptance of booger slalom’s inevitability.”

*               *               *

Event 4:

olympics wrestling

People laugh off this event, thinking, “How difficult could it be to pry a pair of scissors or a frayed piece of wire out of the hands of a one-year-old?”  or  “Oh, I could do that, it looks so easy!”  But the thing about these athletes is that these people are up every morning training at 6 a.m.  Sometimes at 5 a.m.  Sometimes at 2 a.m.

*               *               *

Event 5:

olympics gymnastics

The signature move the judges will be looking for here is the “mid-change full-body flip complete with angry poop-hand swipe.”  Points are deducted for parental use of curse words.

*               *               *

And Finally, Event 6:

olympics pants

This is, hands down, the top ticket item for the parental Olympics.

While incredibly time consuming and stressful for the athletes (particularly when they are on some sort of deadline) this event will always be a favorite among both children and spectators.

*               *               *

Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming

I have a book coming out this September entitled Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming.  You can totally pre-order it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble or and either read it or give it to someone having a baby.  

Also, please like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter!  Or put me in your “top eight” on Myspace!  Or follow the blog by signing up in the sidebar.  Or follow other people’s blogs!  Or follow your dreams!  It doesn’t matter!  Whatever you decide is fine!  Happy Olympics to all and to all a goodnight.

79 CommentsComment

  1. Thanks for making me laugh again, love your writing

  2. Oh my! I definitely enjoyed reading this! 😀 Event 4…ain’t that the truth…lol

Leave a Reply