If I Worked For Google, This is What I’d Invent

I had a post a few months ago about how I was sort of worried that my son wasn’t walking yet.  In case anyone is keeping track, he started walking about two weeks ago and never looked back.  Which is why I’d love to see the people at Google get to work on a special Google Maps-type app for the parents of young toddlers.


google baby

  • The Grocery Store

1. Head Northwest on Newark Ave toward Jersey Avenue      

2.  Make a Right onto Jersey Avenue

3.  Continue 4.2 feet toward A Dead Caterpillar

4.  Attempt to eat remains of caterpillar (not permitted)

5.  Two minutes crying

6.  Walk one block to 2nd Street before turning around for no apparent reason and walking back to 1st Street

7.  Walk toward a window of a Real Estate Office and enthusiastically bang on glass, yelling, “BAY-BEE.  BAY-BEE.”

8.  Continue toward 3rd Street.

9.  Back toward 2nd Street (unexplained).

10.  Attempt to walk off the curb, onto Jersey Avenue to the cries of “NO NO NO NO, STAY ON THE SIDEWALK!”

11.  Follow small dog 200 ft. along Jersey Avenue to 5th Street while chanting the word “Cat.”

12.  Follow mildly-diseased Pigeon back toward 4th Street.

13.  Walk in circle for ten minutes saying “Babababababababa” to nobody.

14.  Get picked up and carried as far as 6th street before crying hysterically and wrestling yourself free of parent’s arms.

15.  Follow butterfly back and forth between 5th and 6th street while (again) enthusiastically saying the word “Cat.”

16.  Attempt to walk after a truck that turns onto 6th street and, when forbidden to walk down 6th street, sit down in the middle of the sidewalk muttering, “Truck.  Gone.  Truck.  Gone.”

17.  Continue 100 feet toward 7th street, following a baby stroller.  Spend 10 minutes smiling at baby and/or eating the food off the stroller’s food tray

18.   Stop between 7th and 8th street for literally no reason.

19.  Walk 20 feet and repeatedly attempt to climb the steps of an apartment building that is not your apartment building

20.  Continue 100 feet toward park, stopping briefly to pick up a wet graham cracker and an empty Doritos bag you encounter on the sidewalk.  You have arrived at your destination .

  • Arrive At Park That Is 8 Blocks Away

Distance Covered: 0.5 Miles
Estimated Time: 9 hours, 20 minutes


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google baby theuglyvolvo
A whimsical drawing of my son chasing a butterfly.


27 CommentsComment

  1. Ah yes! The first time my daughter walked to school with her friend and without me. After 5 minutes I set out just to check. They were a block a way, crouched down watching a worm.

  2. Nice. You made my day with your post!
    You forgot 21: The baby shits his diaper!

  3. This is exactly like my day everyday! Too funny!

  4. Someone understands my pain!

  5. Don’t forget the construction site on 4th down near Monmouth. Every time the excavator dumps some dirt, we have to clap our hands. “More? More? More?”

  6. Oh my goodness I’m trying so hard not to laugh while baby is sleeping. My little girl is just beginning her toddler-tude and this has me in tears, I’m silent laughing so hard. Thanks for the laugh!

  7. Yes. This. Many times, this.

    I used to wonder what the toddler 100m world record would be…at least 2hrs, 41mins is still my guess.

    Congrats on the walking though! Nothing like wishing for something and then having to follow it around at a glacial pace thinking that life was so much easier when you were just freaking IMMOBILE ALREADY.


    Of course.

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