I had a post a few months ago about how I was sort of worried that my son wasn’t walking yet. In case anyone is keeping track, he started walking about two weeks ago and never looked back. Which is why I’d love to see the people at Google get to work on a special Google Maps-type app for the parents of young toddlers.
The Grocery Store
1. Head Northwest on Newark Ave toward Jersey Avenue
2. Make a Right onto Jersey Avenue
3. Continue 4.2 feet toward A Dead Caterpillar
4. Attempt to eat remains of caterpillar (not permitted)
5. Two minutes crying
6. Walk one block to 2nd Street before turning around for no apparent reason and walking back to 1st Street
7. Walk toward a window of a Real Estate Office and enthusiastically bang on glass, yelling, “BAY-BEE. BAY-BEE.”
8. Continue toward 3rd Street.
9. Back toward 2nd Street (unexplained).
10. Attempt to walk off the curb, onto Jersey Avenue to the cries of “NO NO NO NO, STAY ON THE SIDEWALK!”
11. Follow small dog 200 ft. along Jersey Avenue to 5th Street while chanting the word “Cat.”
12. Follow mildly-diseased Pigeon back toward 4th Street.
13. Walk in circle for ten minutes saying “Babababababababa” to nobody.
14. Get picked up and carried as far as 6th street before crying hysterically and wrestling yourself free of parent’s arms.
15. Follow butterfly back and forth between 5th and 6th street while (again) enthusiastically saying the word “Cat.”
16. Attempt to walk after a truck that turns onto 6th street and, when forbidden to walk down 6th street, sit down in the middle of the sidewalk muttering, “Truck. Gone. Truck. Gone.”
17. Continue 100 feet toward 7th street, following a baby stroller. Spend 10 minutes smiling at baby and/or eating the food off the stroller’s food tray
18. Stop between 7th and 8th street for literally no reason.
19. Walk 20 feet and repeatedly attempt to climb the steps of an apartment building that is not your apartment building
20. Continue 100 feet toward park, stopping briefly to pick up a wet graham cracker and an empty Doritos bag you encounter on the sidewalk. You have arrived at your destination .
Arrive At Park That Is 8 Blocks Away
Distance Covered: 0.5 Miles
Estimated Time: 9 hours, 20 minutes
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If you didn’t, that’s fine too. Go order some shoes off Zappos or whatever the hell else people do on the internet.