Horoscopes For People With Children

Having kids can be rough, but is it always going to be this rough?  Is it going to get easier in the upcoming months?  Is there something important you should be doing to get your child or children on the right track?  Check out your horoscope and find out what the stars have in store for you!  Or hey, if you’re feeling ambitious, read everybody’s horoscope and find out what the stars have in store for them.

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You know that thing your child refuses to stop doing and last week you read some book that was like, “Just do this one simple thing and your child will stop doing that thing that you hate!”

I have bad news for you.  It isn’t going to work.

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Being bull-headed, you and your child may be at odds on a few issues.  Expect this to last for the rest of your f**king life.

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You’ve been stressing about a particular issue with your kid lately and it’s been getting you nowhere.  Something needs to change.  Today might be a good day to walk to the local bus station and silently board a bus to some far away city where nobody will ever find you because you’ll change your name and live on a fold-out cot in the back of a hardware store until you’re in your mid eighties.

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That big change you’re waiting for is right around the corner!  Ok, not that corner, maybe the next corner.  Ok, not that corner, maybe the next corner.  ARRRRGHHH, ok maybe the next corner.  Sh*t, we’re right back where we started.  I’m not sure what to tell you.

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Teach your child to fish and she eats for a lifetime.  Give your child a fish and she’s all like, “Gross!  Ugh.  I don’t want fish, I want pasta.”

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It’s a good day to reconsider your financial affairs.  You’ve been spending a lot of money on this kid lately . Remember how they did it in the olden days?  You lived in a dirt hut and either hunted game or ate berries that you found in the woods.  Rather than sitting at their computers watching stupid cat videos, children were forced to spend time in nature, watching actual cats hunt or fall off rocks or maybe the children would attempt catching the cats for food if the children were hungry enough and the cats had some sort of injury that made them slow and easy to catch.  Instead of a cluttered suburban house you had a straw mat, for sleeping, and two good spears which you used to kill mammoth.  Where was I even going with this again?  Your financial affairs!  Yes.  Rethink them.  Maybe meet with a consultant or something?  I’m not great at this.

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There’s something your child desperately needs you to understand.  Be as patient as possible.  Sit down across from them and let them cry or wail or air their grievances.  Wait until they are completely finished before jumping to your feet and shouting, “What’s that, Lassie?  Timmy’s in the well?”  Then goofily run out the door.  Your child may continue crying or may begin to cry harder or may stop crying altogether.  Not sure how they’ll react, but try it and if something crazy or terrible happens e-mail me so I know not to give this advice again.

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You felt totally overwhelmed today, similar to how you feel every other day.  Have you considered physically taking your brain out of your head and hurling it at a wall?

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Today is a day for travel!   Most likely “traveling” several miles to drop your kid at some sort of activity and then “traveling” several miles back and then later “traveling” to go pick them up.  Also, possibly “traveling” to the grocery store because you’re the one person in the house who notices that you’re completely out of all vegetables and also paper towels and also bread.  Stamp that passport, globetrotter.  You’re like the Carmen Sandiego of boring local errands.

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It is easy to get swept up in your child’s emotions.  It is much less easy to find a baby sitter willing to work on a Saturday night who both arrives on time and doesn’t cost a bazillion dollars.  As you get swept up in your child’s tumultuous emotions, why not look into that babysitter thing I just talked about? There’s that Birdman movie out with Michael Keaton that’s supposed to be pretty good.  I was going to log onto Fandango for you to see what else is playing but you probably have internet access so you can just do it.

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There’s been tension building in your relationship with your child for a while now.  You’ve tried professional advice.  You’ve tried discipline.  You’ve tried reasoning with them.  There’s nothing left but to give in and buy them an iPhone.  ­“But will that really solve all my problems with my child?” you’re asking.  “Just buying them an iPhone?”  Absolutely it will.  Your child absolutely needs an iPhone.  When should you buy one?  Now is a good time.  Get one of the new ones, preferably with at least 64 GB of storage space.  Your child is wonderful and underappreciated and buying your child an iPhone and maybe also an iPad is hands down the best thing you can do for–HOLD ON A SECOND, WHO’S WRITING THIS?  Don’t bother answering that question– I’ve figured it out just fine on my own. Buy you an iPhone, huh?  Let’s see if you can download an app that’ll show you how grounded you’re going to be for the next three months.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh my God, today is going to be so bad.  It’s going to be like–I can’t even describe how awful it’s going to– AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Hehehehehe.  Oh man.   *Long, slow exhale.*  It’s like I want to tell you exactly how bad today’s going to be but it’s probably going to be easier for you if you just don’t know.


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14 CommentsComment

  1. Transcendent. Really.

  2. Avatar


    As a Pisces, I am not amused. At all.

    Kidding, of course. This was all hilarious. But OF COURSE mine was the most ominous out of the bunch.

  3. […] Horoscopes for People With Children on The Ugly Volvo: “Having kids can be rough, but is it always going to be this rough? Is it going to get easier in the upcoming months? Check out your horoscope and find out what the stars have in store for you!” I’m a Pisces and it’s not looking good. […]

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