I posted my Christmas list a few years ago and by “a few” I mean “two years ago” because that’s more or less the entirety of how long I have been alive.
Things have changed. I remember being so positive that all I wanted was a set of cold, metallic car keys to put in my mouth and only two years later I find myself smiling at my naivete, thinking, “Ah—the innocence of youth.”
That being said, I have compiled a list for this year. Please know that I have been very good, as long as the word is loosely defined.
A Two-Year (And Ten-Month-Old’s) Letter to Santa
Dear Santa. For Christmas I would like:
A gym membership that allows access to this rock climbing wall. I love climbing. I will not be needing any traditional rock-climbing safety equipment, as I cannot imagine that anything could possibly go wrong.
A bunch of elevator buttons. My favorite ones to push are the easy-to-reach ones at the bottom that make the “alarm bell” sounds but whatever ones you want to bring are fine. These are only for me to push, no one else.
This is one of life’s simpler pleasures, Santa, but if you can find it in your heart, I would like juice in this specific cup.
No, did I say juice, I meant milk.
NO, JUICE. I WANT JUICE
I’m so sorry, Santa, I find myself getting so fired up lately over things for reasons I am unable to explain. Please forgive my outbursts and allow me to continue.
I would like pigeons, Santa. Slow ones. Ones that I can catch and that do not annoyingly fly away at the last minute when I am chasing them. My dog has asked me to tell you that she would like some of these as well.
I would like this toy that this other kid has. Please note: I do not care about the toy itself. I only want it because someone else is playing with it. As soon as he is done holding it I will no longer want it, so please Santa, ALLOW ME TO HAVE AND SIMULTANEOUSLY NOT HAVE THIS TRUCK.
I would love a broom so that I can sweep and clean. Please know that my deep seated desire to run a janitorial service in no way extends to cleaning up either my toys or food that I have flung at the wall.
Nothing would make me happier than a light-switch installed in my crib that I can just switch on and off whenever I want. Ideally I would love for it to control the lights in my parents’ room.
I want for this door to always be CLOSED.
I want to know how I really want it, Santa. Allow me to better understand myself??
I would love for this television to continually play the movie Frozen—a wonderful movie about a snowman and a reindeer that is constantly being interrupted by two sisters having some sort of drama. Despite my assertions that I like this movie, my mother continues to turn it off once the movie is completed. I would like for it to play over and over again in an infinite loop.
I would dearly love this piece of candy that got pushed under this armchair about a month and a half ago. If you could either bring me a similar piece of candy or (preferably) just move the armchair, that would be amazing.
NO, MILK. NOT IN THAT CUP—THE OTHER CUP.
I cannot tell you how much I would love to have whatever is up on the counter. I can’t even tell what it is. I don’t even care. I just know that I’m close to being able to reach it and more than anything in the world, I want to pull it down. If this is not something you’re going to get for me, Santa, let me know and I’ll just get it myself.
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