A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

 I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups.

And I know you’re ready to make the joke about ten month-old babies and how all we want is the wrapping paper and the boxes.  Touché, SantaTouché.   We do, of course, want those things.  But I have a number of additional things I want very badly.

My list is enclosed below.  Have a lovely holiday.

-Ten Month-Old Baby

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A Comprehensive List of The Things I Want For Christmas:

Ben at Ten Months
Dear Santa. Here is the list that I have compiled thus far.

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1.) This Laptop Cord

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I want this laptop cord more than I have ever wanted anything.   Please.  I also want the power strip with the orange on/off button and the white label on the other cord pictured (the one not connected to the laptop).  I would be ok with just a bunch of electrical cords in general, but I would really love these specific ones that are located behind my mother’s desk next to the air-conditioner (whose cord I also want).

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2.) This Wall Mount Entertainment Center

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I have no idea why my mother does not want me to play with this thing, as it is obviously a child’s toy.  I would like one for my room.

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3.) House Keys

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I would love a set of house keys.  To eat, obviously.  Only metal house keys will do.  Please do not buy me plastic ones.  I am not an idiot.  I know that plastic house keys are not real keys.

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4.) Everybody’s Eyeglasses

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I pull these off the face of every person I meet, only to have them pried from my fingers and reclaimed by their original owners.   I would love a pair of my own.  Again, these are going to be for eating.

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5.) The Contents of This Thing

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I would love for the contents of this thing to be emptied out onto the floor– particularly things like used, wet cotton balls and discarded pieces of floss.   If you would like to just take the contents of this bin and transfer it directly into my stocking, that would also be fine.

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6.) Handfuls of the Dog’s Fur

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This stuff is the best.  I keep trying to pull it off but she moves frequently, making collection difficult.  My favorite thing to do with it is put it in my mouth and then immediately realize that I didn’t want it in my mouth.

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7.) The Hole in the Hallway Floorboard

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Such a strange existential dilemma.  I spend hours looking at this hole and poking at it with my fingers.  I know that I cannot “have” a hole, as a hole is not a thing that can be had.  A hole is an absence.  And yet this is supposed to be a list of the things I want, and I want this hole in the hardwood floor the way Gandhi wanted peace.  The way the dog wants to lick my face.  The way my mother wants me to stop pulling off her eyeglasses.

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8.) This Stuff, Which is All Over the Apartment

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I have no idea what this stuff is.  All I know is that I want it in my hands and no sooner have I grasped its sweet, delicate softness than my mother comes running over yelling something like, “STOP TOUCHING THAT– HOW OFTEN DO I HAVE TO F*#%ING VACUUM THE G*#@&MN HALLWAY?”

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9.) The Dog’s Food

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Every time I get close to this, someone pulls me away.  If they don’t want me to eat it, why is it on the floor?

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10.) One of These

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No idea what these do, but it’s clearly a lot of fun, given that my mother never stops looking at it.

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11.) Bobby Pins

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These are my favorite!  If I had a nickel for every bobby pin I found on the floor I’d have double the number of little metal things I could put in my mouth because, go figure, I also totally love nickels.

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If you enjoyed this post, and need to buy a holiday gift for a new or expecting parent, I have a book out called Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming, that you can purchase through TargetAmazon, Barnes and Noble, or Indiebound.  It’s “really funny” according to both someone in my mom’s office and the daughter of this person my friend knows.

892 CommentsComment

  1. I love this. The child is defiantly speaking for all babies. How cute. Thanks for sharing this story.

  2. How Great! I love every word of it. Thank you for putting this in text!

  3. Amazing. You are obviously a parent. I have read this at least 20 times and pushed my friends to read this – much too hard.

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      Raquel D'Apice

      So weird to go back and read that since he’s not 10 months old anymore over two years later and we’re STILL hesitant to mount our toilet paper at child level.

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        Wayne Switzer

        Thanks for responding. My favorite thing about your piece is the way it respects your baby’s (now toddler’s) intellect. I remember being frustrated at the way adults condescended to me as a kid, when my brain and perceptions were just fine, thank you. I hope that makes sense. Anyway thanks for some fun reading.

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        Raquel D'Apice

        one of the weirdest things about parenting is remembering so much of being a child and letting that influence so much of what I do (combined with, obviously, some of the necessary stuff you need to do to be a parent) But it really does help with perspective. Regardless, very happy you enjoyed the piece 🙂

  4. LOL! Oh, my goodness hysterical. My kiddos are older now….9 and 11, but you never forget. This brings back so many memories. You captured it perfectly. Will share with everyone I know so they can have a giggle down memory lane, too. LOL!

  5. The accuracy of a 10 month old’s letter to santa has left me with a deep and all consuming sense of oncoming doom, regarding your 2 year old’s letter to santa. Excuse me while I prise my glasses from his fat little fingers, all the better to find what he’s done with the keys.

  6. “I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups.” Fantastic list spoilt by this… if you have no idea what I’m talking about then watch this…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om7O0MFkmpw

    “I couldn’t give two sh#ts” is what you mean.

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