10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I am not yet eight months into the process and already I am getting mind-numbing e-mails with headlines like, “Easy, Last Minute Meals!” and “10 Super Quick Dinners for Moms.”

 How does she even have time to make six cookies after applying the elaborate stripper makeup?

How does she even have time to make six cookies after applying the elaborate stripper makeup?

And look, I get it, these e-mails are trying to be helpful.  But these articles are always accompanied by a woman with potholders on both her hands pulling a casserole dish out of an oven while smiling.  And I am tired of her.   I am tired of the quick meal ideas and I’m tired of getting Facebook sidebar ads for laundry detergents when only two short years ago I was getting ads for eyelashes I could put on my car headlights.

 So there's this.

There’s really nothing I can say that will make this picture any better.

And look, I’m not saying I want the car eyelash advertisements.  Because I don’t.  Not every day anyway.  But I don’t want the ten simple meals e-mails.  Not yet.  Let me be a person for a little bit longer before you drown me in an avalanche of Kohls coupons and Tide Stain sticks.  It’s not that I don’t like being a mother, it’s just that I’m not ready to put on the potholders just yet.

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Exhausted after taking care of a child all day?  Realizing that it’s 6PM and not only have you not started making dinner, you haven’t even thought about what you planned on making?   Worry no more!  Thanks to this e-mail service you inadvertently signed up for while looking for child development information, we’re sending you a list of the 10 fastest, easiest dinners to keep your life simple and hassle-free!

Why slave over a hot stove for hours when you can have any of these dishes ready in thirty minutes or fewer, GUARANTEED.  So get out your pen and paper and get ready to jot down these:

10 Amazing Last Minute Meal Ideas!

Happy baking cooking woman

If you ever see me making this face know that it is a cry for help.

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1.  Nothing

No need to worry about food allergies.

No need to worry about food allergies.  Any child can eat nothing!

Your kids haven’t tasted true simplicity until they’ve tasted nothing.   Hit them with this specialty a day after you’ve gone out of your way to make “something” and they’ve refused to eat it.  Nothing can be prepared in literally seconds.

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2.  Grilled Cheese With No Cheese in It

 If they ask where the cheese is, tell them "cheese is constipating."  If they say, "Isn't bread constipating?" you can say, "Well look at our little gastronomical expert."

If the kids ask where the cheese is, tell them “cheese is constipating.” If they say, “Isn’t bread constipating?” you can say, “Well well well, look at our little gastronomical experts.”

This was a particular favorite of my notoriously scatter-brained mother who, true story, made it for us twice.

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3.  Put a Bunch of Stuff in a Crock Pot and Leave the House for a While

 You can literally throw almost anything in there.

Perfect for when Alf comes for dinner.

Do not add brussel sprouts to whatever you are cooking in a crock pot because no matter how aromatic and wonderful the rest of the ingredients are, you will come home to a house that smells like a giant yeast infection.  I am telling you this from experience.

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4.  Ramen Noodles Made While Crying

 It's that not-so-secret ingredient.

It’s that not-so-secret ingredient.

Worried there wasn’t enough sodium in regular Ramen noodles?  Try a batch made and seasoned with a waterfall of tears!   I discovered this dish totally by accident but after four evenings of making it inadvertently, it’s become a nighttime staple.  To those people who’ve asked, “But what if you run out of things to cry about?”  Hahahahahahaha, that’s hilarious, how could that possibly happen??

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5.  Brownies Made in a Cupcake Tin with Double Stuffed Oreos and Peanut Butter Inside Them

 Ironically, has more nutritional value than the thing with the Ramen Noodles.

Ironically, this has more nutritional value than the thing with the Ramen Noodles.

Really strict mothers are going to say something like, “Tsk tsk, this isn’t dinner,” and we will just have to agree to disagree on that one.

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6.  Broiled Fish With No Side Dishes Because You Lack Foresight

When your kids start asking, “Is there anything to eat besides just the plain, broiled  fish?” yell, “MAKE A DECISION.  DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY OR NOT?”

 From what I understand he subsists on plain, broiled fish and the dreams of other, slightly heavier actors.

He subsists exclusively on broiled fish and other people’s dried-up dreams.

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7.  A Bag of Pretzels and Then Pass Out on a Sofa Somewhere


For anyone who says, “That’s not pretzels, that’s cereal,” you’re right. I can only take so much Google Images before I get tired of looking at pictures of pugs falling asleep while eating and just accept that the internet does not have the photo I am looking for.

If this worked for three years in college for me, it should work just fine for my kids.

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8.  Just Have a Bunch of Cut Up Vegetables and Cheese in your Refrigerator at All Times and Just Pretend You Are Constantly Eating Crudite Platters at Somebody’s Low Budget Cocktail Party

So this is what I actually actually do about six nights a week and it works great.  Not that I don’t occasionally do #’s 5, 6 and 7, but most evenings I just leave the fridge filled with vegetables that I bought and cheese and pickles and olives and whatnot and we just eat those.  It works really well because:

1.  Vegetables are healthy and that way we eat a lot of vegetables

2.  Cheese is great and after eating a bunch of vegetables it is easy to rationalize eating a lot of cheese.

3.  I am VERY BUSY using Twitter and watching BBC documentaries about wild animals and do not have time to coordinate a meal that will take 3 hours to make and 4 minutes to consume because really, life is too short.  And the last time I attempted making dinner I came home to a house that smelled like a vaginal yeast infection because unlike you guys who were warned, I had to learn that crock pot/brussell sprouts lesson the hard way.

 Boring, I know.  But so is cooking.

Boring, I know. But so is cooking.

Also, if eating vegetables and dip gets overwhelmingly boring and repetitive, you could try arranging them in the shape of a cat skeleton.

1 aa crudites 2

You can find almost anything on the internet. Except, of course, for a photo of a guy asleep next to a bag of pretzels.

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9.  Just Get Takeout Again

Stop judging me.


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10.  Leftovers From the Other Night When You Made Nothing

I think I made it clear that I’m not perfect.  And I’ll never be perfect.  And maybe it’s been a good thing that I’ve never even come close to being perfect, because if I had come close at some point I might’ve said, “Perfection is an achievable goal!” and tried hard to be as perfect as possible.  But luckily that was never a problem I had.

And while I’d love to blabber on and on about nothing for a few more minutes, I apologize but these crudite platters aren’t going to make themselves.

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70 CommentsComment

  1. My sister told me to look up this article and it is HYSTERICAL!! I laughed out loud several times. Raquel D’Apice, you brilliant woman. Thank you so much!!!!

  2. #8 had me in stitches! This is absolutely hysterical. Thank you, thank you.

  3. Avatar


    Love this.
    To the mom who uses a “recipe” cut nac and cheese:
    Boil pasta
    Put a slice of cheese on top.
    Melt in microwave.
    Quickly mix.

  4. Avatar

    Cynthia Meyerhoefer

    I nearly wet myself laughing. Keep up the great job. I’ve never tried cheeseless grilled cheese, maybe it’s like ‘egg and toast’ without the egg (‘fried bread’ – real British food name). You should tell your mom that it has a name. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fried_bread.

  5. Been busily getting ready for company with two kids home all day and a husband who has been deployed for what feels like forever. In between crying, yelling and scrubbing toilets, I sat down to drink my now cold cup of coffee and discovered you….now one of my most favorite people in the world. Thanks for the laughs, keep them coming. This is better than any self-help, how to make your kids normal while you grow your own organic veggies blog.

  6. Reblogged this on I'm The Shape of A Pear and commented:
    One of my favs

  7. This.Is.My.Life. Love it. The only thing missing – mac and cheese. We eat that a lot. Like, a lot. It’s the best when you don’t even have milk in the house, so you have to use water in the “recipe” instead.

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